I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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