Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
