before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
