i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
