You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
