he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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