TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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