Define "chronic" masturbator.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize