I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
