C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
