Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
tell me about the eggs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
