he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Randomize
