Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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