That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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