Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
