getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize