you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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