just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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