I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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