i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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