Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
