So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
