We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
