Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
