before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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