I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
