There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
