I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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