just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
