i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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