yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
