I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
