So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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