maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He told me they were just razor bumps!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
