i may or may not be watching the land before time
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
