I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm both gender and math confused
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
