the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
