I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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