I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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