im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
