Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
