I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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