hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize