How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
