Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
