I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
