if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
