there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
