she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
