so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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