Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
