He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
