there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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