if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
