can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
