im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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