Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
