I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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