he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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