You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
