Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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