I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I deserve this hangover.
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