my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
