I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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