i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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