got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
