FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
