i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
